Anonymous gestures

I once read a true story by a resident of New York City about a relationship she had with someone she never met, never spoke with on the phone, and never communicated with in any normal way. She and her husband parked their car on the street out in front of their apartment building. They had gotten tired of having their car broken into, so they just cleaned it out and left it unlocked. One morning they found a cigarette butt in the ashtray. Someone had been in their car. Over time they realized that someone was sleeping in their car. At first this disturbed them, but then they realized that they had a volunteer sentry. One evening they left a folded blanket on the seat, and the next morning they found it folded in a different way. This went on for a few months, and then the signs of their anonymous tenant disappeared. They had enjoyed a symbiotic relationship with a complete stranger.

This is a story of accidental interaction that turned into a trusting relationship, and the facts of it may strike us as odd and wonderful. It is unique in its extreme circumstances, but we have these kinds of interactions with strangers all the time.

In Vermont, drivers often signal one another with hand gestures. I mean with the whole hand, not just one finger. I call it the Vermont wave, although I’m sure it must happen sometimes in other places. When two cars come to a stop at an intersection at roughly the same moment, and one has to yield to the other, there is a pause. Often, one driver will flap a hand, indicating that the other driver should go first. Occasionally the other driver will wave back in an “Oh no, after YOU” manner. In heavy multi-lane traffic, one driver will hang back, opening a space, and wave another car in. When a driver faces a left turn from a side street into traffic, another car will stop and wave, and then a car going the other way will see the first stopped car and stop, and the side street driver will make the otherwise impossible turn.

Sometimes, in a coffeehouse, I’ll find a newspaper neatly stacked on a table. Somebody bought it, read it, and tidied it up for the next person.

This type of anonymous gesture is just the most obvious. The fabric of our society is a series of anonymous gestures. Most of them we might call gestures of omission. We refrain from doing things that we could get away with, but that would tend to break down the trust relationship between people. The message we send with these gestures, both committed and omitted, is “Although I don’t know you, I care about you, and I expect you, in turn, to care about me.” They are seldom directly profitable, but they come back to us as we raise the general level of trust and civility.

I recommend assisting other drivers with “the wave.” In the moment, it makes me feel good, and I’m sure it is a pleasant surprise for the other driver, especially outside Vermont. Really what I am doing is creating a moment of added civility and planting a seed in the mind of another person. Perhaps that person will be more likely to wave another driver in front of them. Traffic will flow a bit more smoothly and tempers will be one iota cooler.

This concept of the anonymous gesture is why I so intensely dislike graffiti and its pseudo-hip relative, tagging. Marshall McCluhan’s dictum, “The medium is the message” applies here. Anonymously painting a pseudonym in a public place has some very clear messages, the predominant one being, “I don’t care about you.” More specifically:

- I am willing to impose a symbol of myself on your visual environment without your consent.
- My ego trumps community.
- I am unwilling to engage in the process of community decision making about the appearance of our shared public space.

I despise billboards as much as tagging, but at least the owners and advertisers have to go through some kind of approval process. At least we know who they are and can communicate with them, advise them, or oppose them.

A Buddhist philosopher once wrote, “Behave when alone as if you are with guests.” He was perceptive. The things we do when nobody is watching reveal our inner nature. Those who act with grace and consideration when their identity is obscured benefit twice. They enjoy both the pleasure of generosity and the advantages of a more civil society.

Comments

[Rus Perry]

Heretic,

Robert Putnam refers to such anonymous actions as norms of reciprocity. "Bowling Alone" is a good read.

Cheers,

Rus

[gwen]

As a non-motorist, I've spent a lot of time on public transportation. I have a firm personal policy about always thanking the driver when I get off a bus or tram. It seems like basic civility.

I started doing this when I lived in San Francisco, where Muni drivers encounter any number of crazed or rude people every day, and I figured they could use a break. I'd like to think it improved their mood a little, or at least made them less inclined to leave the bus parked in the middle of a freeway.