What I want from Wall Street
Sunday, September 28, 2008 at 5:17PM (What follows is a rant, written mostly for my own satisfaction. I sincerely doubt that anyone in Washington has the independence, spine, or innate sense of justice to bring this to pass.)
It looks as if the bailout is going through as planned. Our sold-out hacks in Washington have given the bankers and their quasi-governmental servants (Paulson and Bernanke) everything they wanted, albeit with enough fancy packaging to satisfy what remains of their consciences. Because of this unnecessary flood of borrowed money, you and I and every other human being in this country will each be saddled with $2,300 more debt.
Part of the lubricant on this bill is a vague statement about restricting excessive executive salaries. What “excessive” means wasn’t defined, but you can be sure it will be a number far north of anything we mere mortals earn.
I’m not satisfied. I want more. How much more? Alright, Mr. Bank Director, CEO, CFO, COO, Bond Rater, Mortgage Bundling Bungler, I’ll tell you in three words.
All of it.
I want your condo in Manhattan, your house in the Hamptons, your ski place in Vail, your cottage in Maine, and any other real estate you possess.
I want the Beemer, the Lexus, the Porsche, the motorcycle, the boat, and the plane.
I want all your bank accounts, your stocks, your bonds, and your gold, even the stuff stashed in Switzerland.
In short, I want everything you have with a shred of resale value.
Not for me personally, of course. Unlike you, I’m not greedy. I want it to be auctioned off and put in a fund to help offset the barely imaginable sum of money we are throwing at your abysmally managed businesses.
We’ll leave you your personal belongings and loan you a FEMA trailer. You can Ebay some stuff and put down the security deposit on a walkup in Queens.
Before you start whining about unfairness, think about the burden your greed, recklessness, and stupidity will put on the ordinary people of America. These are folks who work just as hard as you do or more, but for some tiny fraction of your salary. They are having trouble with the couple thousand on their credit card right now, but thanks to your idiocy their tax dollars will be going down your gold-plated rathole instead of fixing their roads or hiring a teacher.
Oh yes, and I want your job. Any company that wants a bailout must fire all their directors and their top-level managers. There are plenty of smart people who work for you. They just lacked the killer instinct necessary for that last stage of corporate climbing. We like that. They’ll be easier to control.
I’m not talking about torches and pitchforks here. I believe in due process of law. The U.S. government should appoint a special prosecutor and sue you in Federal Court for everything you have. I can sense you smiling as you think of your dream team of lawyers. Forget it. We’re going to bring back Eliot Spitzer.
Remember him? The Sheriff of Wall Street? He made his name smacking you around. He suspects that you tipped off the cops to his hooker habit. He hates your guts. We’re going to say, “Eliot, if you can nail these guys, and nail them in a manner that would make a Roman soldier wince, all is forgiven. You’ll be a hero, and we’ll let you back into polite society.” We’ll hire Patrick Fitzgerald to help him. We’ll give him all the money and staff he needs. So you think Eliot got screwed by a professional for top dollar? Oh, just wait…
One more thing. The median American household earns $49,000 a year. Even if your former employees decide to trust you with money again, anything you earn over median wage will be garnished until the whole $700 billion is repaid. If that means that you live and die in the middle class, so be it.
Maybe we could raise a few billion this way. Not much in the scheme of things, I suppose, but the sobering effect on the people who take over your jobs would be priceless. “Regulate us!” they will cry, “Put us on a short leash!” Every time one of you former titans pours them a latte or parks their car, they will be viscerally reminded of the price of failure.
(Update, 9/29/08, 6PM EST: The bailout was defeated in the House, 228-205. Wall Street tanked. My own retirement account is probably taking a beating, but I don't care. I doubt that the replacement bill will be much better, but keep up the pressure on your elected representatives.)
(Update, 10/04/09: The bailout went to the Senate, was trimmed with pork, and passed. It returned to the House and passed.)
Reader Comments (4)
Ouch! And AMEN!
Paul and Elisa
I totally agree with you on this issue. But more people should read it. Please send it to Bill O'Reilly or other nationally syndicated personality. In fact, you NEED to forward it to the Times, Post, Tribune, etc. your message is clear and to the point but don't keep it to yourself. This is too good to be kept only on your website. Go for a much larger audience
Somehow I don't think Bill O'Reilly would be hip to this one. Maybe Keith Olbermann? Anyway, if you like this essay, or any of my work, please forward the link to your friends. I always like to expand my readership.
Thanks,
M.H.
Excellent site! I read back through some of your previous entries as well, and was similarly impressed. Your observations on the amounts of energy used for various purposes and how design fundamentals for energy efficient cars, houses, etc are often ignored was also most interesting. Here's hoping for more entries. :)